


i'll (never) be back after lots of short breaks

by Thri_here



Series: team tobirama fics (tm) [1]
Category: Naruto, Naruto (Anime) RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Attempt at Humor, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Gen, Humor, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, If family is plotting a teammate's murder, Mito being a queen, Team Dynamics, Team as Family, The first line is literally me setting up an alternate universe where madara time travels, Tsunade is Hashibrown's daughter, What else is new, and I wanted baby tsuna and refused to make up OC's, because my head hurts from the timeline, no beta obviously, tagging is a pain, this is a happy world where danzo gets over his insecurity okay?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:27:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27668852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thri_here/pseuds/Thri_here
Summary: Please remain on standby while five chunin tie up a teammate.(This was honestly supposed to be an actual Tsuna and chihuahua baby+pet sitting fic but it ended up as a character interaction prologue fic. I know I suck at summaries, shut up)
Relationships: Senju Tobirama & Team Tobirama, Team Tobirama - Relationship
Series: team tobirama fics (tm) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2024213
Comments: 11
Kudos: 13





	i'll (never) be back after lots of short breaks

**Author's Note:**

  * For [EasyPeasyPanic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EasyPeasyPanic/gifts).



> I had this sudden writing binge after a danzo babysitting tsunade picture on Pinterest smh. Now there's a 2k word prologue to the actual babysitting shtick. Somebody please strangle me.
> 
> There probably will be a sequel about what I ehem, _actually_ wanted to write so yeah.
> 
> I'll gift this to EasyPeasyPanic because I _can_ and I love their Team Tobirama fics 😤
> 
> For the sake of my thread-bare sanity, Tsunade is Hashirama's daughter.

Taller buildings have been spreading their roots in Konoha due to the added advantage of more space. After a secure Alliance, Ame-like infrastructure-- even without the rain-- is slowly making its way towards Konoha at Founder Madara-sama's suggestions.

The world is an inane place built all concrete and insanity and all these stupid buildings should all be razed down to the ground.

And what do you know? Incidentally, the traitor Kagami's eyeballs can whip out black flames. _Perfec_ \--

"Dan, stop scowling." the traitor in question chides, making Danzo deepen his scowl.

"I'm fully justified in making faces when I'm about to traverse hell." he informs maturely, " _Make_ me stop if you can."

Kagami readily accepts the challenge, bringing bony hands to the other boy's cheeks, sandwiching them. Danzo makes a squeak of protest, swatting his arm away and kicking the Uchiha solidly in the shin for good measure.

"You _told_ me to do that!" Kagami wails dramatically, caressing his poor, damaged legs. "Saru, Torifu, _fix_ him!"

"If I have to say, both of you act like absolute children." Torifu notifies importantly, hurling a bag of chips into the fruits basket he had purchased earlier for Tsunade.

"Yeah, whatever he said." Hiruzen agrees, not wanting to take sides, "And don't let Tsuna spot that junk. She wants, she gets."

"Gets what? Indigestion in her little stomach so that Sensei kicks us out-- forever putting a full-stop to our collective shinobi careers?" Koharu asks dryly from her place on the gift store aisle where there are colorful headbands propped for display.

Since Torifu's a good student and one to follow Sensei's calls for diplomacy to the letter, he _only_ complains about how _Hiruzen_ eats the same things but in banana flavor like the money he is instead of going for the definitely-not-usual blows.

Homura's unwelcome chuckles as Torifu stealthily pockets the chips-- a good distance away from the basket where it wouldn't get mixed up-- anyway while continuing his discourse about the various flavors is entirely negligible. Hiruzen rubs at the back of his head at some of the weirder Akimichi-special wild-flower induced flavors, squinting as if better eyesight would magically turn the flower names more comprehensible.

"Both of you make valid points." Homura supplies unhelpfully, and the Akimichi sends a wounded look his fellow chips-snack partner's way, so glasses-sans his glasses today quickly amends, "I see more sense in Torifu's argument though."

"You're not wearing your glasses now so you seeing things don't matte--"

"Thank you for solving this problem, Mitokodo-kun." Koharu finalizes, snapping the store door shut behind her with a bang and smiling sweetly-- the Koharu-nese for _shut your face it's begging for my fists._

  
"Guys, I told you to fix him before he kills someone!" Kagami interrupts her bravely as the fourteen-year-olds take the corner towards the Senju Compound, hiding behind Hiruzen, "Eek! He's taking out kunai!"

"Move it, monkey." Danzo threatens, pointing the kunai in the Sarutobi's general direction, "I'll only finish Uchiha if you move now."

"That sounds like what a mass murderer would say!" Hiruzen complains, courageously peeling the Uchiha's fists off his back.

"A would-be mass murderer." Homura points out the technicality.

"Keep up the threats of murder." Koharu rolls her eyes, twirling newly bought hair ties wrapped around her index finger, "All because you can't babysit a five-year-old."

"A three-year-old." Danzo shudders.

"Right. A two-year difference." she quips back in a mocking but disinterested tone, a perfect show of how much time she's spending with Senju Touka.

"A three-year-old whose Sensei's niece? " Hiruzen tries, somewhat cautious himself. "Nothing to fear? At all?

Before Koharu can enlighten him with colorful words, they spot a figure bobbing up and down, one fist on the bars of the Senju Compound gates.

A blonde ball of too-bright-white sunshine waves at the Chunin with her free hand that's not helping her swing side-ways and side-ways, supported weakly by the bars, ignoring her terrifying mother's thousand-yard stare.

Danzo immediately takes up a position behind Kagami who has his fists curled in Hiruzen's collar.

"I _guess_ that's one reason to be scared." Koharu concedes, faintly swallowing at Tsuna's cheerful (or spiteful-- you could never say with the Senju) obliviousness to her mother's concerns for her safety (whether the cause of said threat is herself or the slippery bars being highly debatable) narrowing her eyes at the Uchiha, "You brought this on."

" _Et Tu_ , Utatane?" Kagami gasps, "We struck a deal with sensei, remember?!"

"You mean _you_ did." Homura, always a man of technicalities and absolutely not in love with the kunoichi supports her, " _We_ get stupid D-rank money. You get blackmail material on Madara-sama."

Danzo huffs when the Devil doesn't even attempt to justify himself.

Uzumaki Mito slides gracefully from her place behind her daughter, kimono lapping at her feet and trailing behind her in elegant waves. Seals hanging from auburn buns sway with every long stride, all the teens transfixed on her every movement. 

The tiny chihuahua in her palms laps it's tongue against her knuckles and she graces it with a graceful chuckle before meeting them halfway.

" _Huh_?" Hiruzen asks eloquently.

"Huh." Homura agrees with the same.

" _Is that a dog_ \--" Torifu begins, and fingers silence him with a pinch on his spine. The Akimichi twirls his head to glare at his teammate, but Danzo has his Diplomatic Smile on since he's in the Uzumaki Princess's line of sight.

Six years of working together is enough for Torifu to know when the Shimura whips _that_ out, so he lets the offense slide. Like the dutiful student he is, Torifu paid attention to the Sensei Voice in his head which was groaning in exasperation and _I would very much like to punch things too, Torifu, but you're a nice kid so your thoughts settle on being blunt._ This _isn't the time, though._

Hm, Torifu muses.

Sensei Voice was starting to sound not a little like his teammates. Due time for a check-up with the Yamanakas.

Mito clears her voice with a small tilt of her head.

"Good morning, all of you." she greets, a creature of habit and poise.

"Good morning to you too, Mito-hime!" the chunin intone in unison.

At Hiruzen's less than subtle ogling and Homura's _quick glances, promise_ which aren't quick without his glasses, the Uzumaki extends her hands.

"This is Po-san." she smiles.

"I...see," Danzo says, the one to recover first with all the Diplomatic Experience. Then carefully maneuvers the chihuahua onto his palm despite being a coward and having no idea what to do with it.

Koharu sniffs in pride from a corner at how far Danzo's come with hands-on-action. Or from some allergies acting up.

"The Hatake are absolute darlings." Mito continues, oblivious to some of the chunin's existential crises, "I hope otouto has filled you in? There's nothing much to do, really. Take care of the house--Tsuna can take care of herself for the most part." she chuckles, "She'll keep herself busy, and if she wants to use the washroom, please accompany her. I have food stocked up in the new refrigerator, and if she refuses to eat you can leave it there. I'll take care of it."

The chunin nod. Maybe this D-rank wasn't _that_ bad.

"Po-san will keep her company for the most part, and she loves new people so you're safe in that regard." she finishes, a twinkle in her eye. "Ah, Po-san's food is up there on the second shelf of the kitchen's top cabinet. It's an eye-catching orange, so it's an easy find."

"I see." Danzo says again, and this time, he absolutely does not see.

"Po-san's staying?" Hiruzen blurts out, clearly ignorant of the _grace_ in the atmosphere.

"Hm?" Mito's brows scrunch in slight confusion, but it comes away undone in the span of seconds, "Otouto didn't tell you?"

All the chunin except a particular heathen stare impassively back.

" _YES_!" Kagami declares, startling Hiruzen out of his own vest, and at the amusement on Mito's face continues, "I mean. He meant, if _Po-san's_ staying. Probably didn't hear the introductions without his glasses on."

"Hey Saru, this little baby here is Po-san!" Kagami giggles nervously, pointing at the little chihuahua in Danzo's hold.

Hiruzen doesn't bother not staring in incredulity at his team mate. One, he wasn't the one who wore glasses. Two, he realizes that (partly from Homura's barely suppressed kettle noises) Uchiha Kagami is being a manipulative little shit, twisting people's memories. Mito-sama might fall for it since she never saw them often but--

Hiruzen might be stupid but not _people_ stupid.

Hopefully.

Now where did he put his reading glasses?

"Is that so?" the red-head repeats, a grin making its way to her face.

"Yes! This is a...uh, pug, and uh, brown. Loving it!" Kagami fumbles unconvincingly. Which is obviously an _act_ that is to not be trusted under any circumstances. He then turns his big, watery, dark but impressively round Uchiha eyes at the Uzumaki, blinking prettily, "I don't know much, but I love them. Saru doesn't either."

Everyone would definitely have been convinced if this _wasn't_ the same person who set fires to tents just because _Hiruzen stole my dino-cat!_ and blinked his way through the carnage afterward.

"Ah," Mito-hime says, a crooked sort of grin on her visage, a sharp contrast to her usual elegance, "I'll take my leave then."

"Please do!" Kagami bows deeply very enthusiastically, barely avoiding Homura's _oops oh my did my kunai fall? right on top of your head?_ from splitting his skull open. Hiruzen, in turn, as a responsible teammate, very enthusiastically catches the kunai and palms it with interest.

"I'll be back in three hours, believe it." she grins, and Koharu nudges the Sarutobi wearily to not to spoil her day with brain matter. The Uzumaki Princess never let her accent or tics slip through her usual grace without extreme excitement after all. The Hatake really must be some _darlings_. 

There was that prodigy kid there, maybe he was an interesting specimen for the seals master.

The chunin wave at her with varying excitement with a cheerful Tsuna who was already at their feet waving at her too.

The circus begins as soon as the princess is out of ear-shot.

"Kagami, _what_?" Danzo demands, shaking with hardly suppressed rage, " _Dogs_?"

"What's the big deal?!" the heathen has the _gall_ to retort, "Po-san's the nicest puppy ever!"

"That's _not_ the problem. You didn't tell us--"

"You lying asshole!" Hiruzen shouts, ignoring Danzo's scandalized twitch of shoulders because one curse word per year was _fine_ according to sensei _in this crazy clusterfuck of_ _a vill--oh that's two curse words_ shaking him by the shoulders, "Do I look like I wear glasses to you?!"

Homura makes indignant kettle noises of agreement from his post near Torifu.

"Ow!" Kagami shoves him off then starts placantly, "Sorry? Did I do that? I thought you were Glasses for a second."

"And you know my name _now_?" Homura points out derisively, bringing his index finger to push up non-existent glasses.

"You're always _Glasses_! How do I remember you're _Homura_ and not _Hiruzen_?" The Uchiha sticks his tongue ou, petulant.

"You call _him_ Saru too you little--" Homura rages, "The _sheer_ logical fallacy-- " still a man of technicalities and consistent reasoning. A man who is definitely not planning on choking a teammate in their sleep.

"STOP!" Danzo screams, standing between the three who are just short of pouncing on each other in front of a three-year-old, "STOP! DON'T YOU SEE WHAT HE'S DOING?!"

And the others do stop and furrow their brows. If they _didn't_ notice Kagami doing something, it definitely meant Kagami _was_ doing something. _Especially in vulnerable, volatile states like anger_ , Yamanaka Rei who had fallen into the ploy had scowled.

"You absolute bastard!" Homura pieces it together first, lunging at his teammate for some supposed treachery with an ululating battle cry. Hiruzen takes ten more solid minutes, but he gets it, because really, he's not people stupid, just. Slow.

"YOU WERE SIDE-TRACKING!" the Sarutobi accuses finally, eyes narrowing at the Uchiha on the ground, silently and also very suspiciously laying down, accepting his fate.

"Guys." Torifu says quietly, Tsunade hanging on his back. "We need tissues."

Hiruzen squints at Homura freeing himself of Kagami's limbs, suspicious of the lack of resistance himself. Then his gaze sets on something behind Hiruzen, and his shoulders slump forward while his face twisted in absolute disbelief.

Danzo groans towards the skies for some higher power to grant him strength at the same sight, blank-face cracking as his palm dragged slowly across his face. 

Kagami looks at him to retaliate but settles for dropping his gaze to the ground.

" _Guys_. Tissues." Torifu says again, a little more pointedly this time, "Lots of it." 

_ACH-OO!_

Hiruzen turns his head to a very unsettlingly quiet Koharu, the chihuahua now cozied up in her palm in a pool of liquid. Koharu's own nose is running, eyes puffy and mouth pressed firmly in a line to avoid swallowing mucus. Her eyes are slanted to meet Po-san's sleek fur, staring at everything and nothing.

"I-I forgot she had allergies," Kagami explains his lack of resistance. At another sneeze, he produces an artificial wince, "Bad ones. Oops."

" _Stop_." Danzo silences him flatly, "You thought she's _gotten over it_ for that blackmail, didn't you?"

The curly-haired heathen offers a sniff in response.

"Wait." he says out of the blue.

"What?" Homura asks, rubbing at his eyes to clear some dust. Not because of the water dripping steadily down a frozen Koharu's vest.

"Is it just me or does it _stink_?" he enquires very politely, glancing at Po-san inconspicuously from the corner of his eyes.

Said chihuahua takes this moment to politely roll over with grace and fumbles around in the liquid to inspect the violent human pups. More of the...liquid plasters itself across the new-standard chunin vests.

"No. Not just you." Koharu finally speaks in measured breaths. Po-san curls back inwards at the shift in movement and her nostrils flare in a sharp intake of breath. Pearly whites then stretch into a grimace, "We're...we're all just ignoring it to preserve sanity."

Po-san makes an elegant sniff of disgust at her predicament.

"I see," Danzo says, monotone, and this time he probably does see with the way his knees wobble and threaten to keel over.

"We need tissues." Torifu tries again, with Tsunade crawling around his shoulders, munching on chilly-flavored hot-chips now.

"Everybody except Torifu is pretending at least?" Kagami offers.

Hiruzen _cries_.

**Author's Note:**

> Leave a comment or a kudos if you like it? 🥺👉👈
> 
> (Hint, the trick is to do both)


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